10.1.16

"You get obsessed with them"

Do I?

"Stop sounding so silly/being so giggly"

Sigh

And I know she's not going to talk to me unless it has to do with us helping load a horse or eggs or something like that that we can't escape

yet, I guess.

Soon enough she's going to graduate and start her own life.

I really hope she does well, but I know that she won't trust me.

 . . .

It's actually the same reason why I would never put him through that again. I broke him once, I can't do that again

 . . .

it's part of the reason I don't know if I should say anything else that is relationship-talk with this new one. I'm scared now, I started thinking of if I was driving over there with him, or with him at the festival today, instead of with the people I was with. It wasn't constant. But that's how it was with my first boyfriend and I don't know if it is because it is long distance or if it is because he is like my first boyfriend in some ways. 

Sigh . . .

I don't know where this leaves me.

I've been trying not to overthink things, and I have tried not to say too much while talking with him.

I like talking with him.

I like hanging out with him.

He seems to be one of the good ones.





I'm scared.

Should I even be considering this?

Practicality-wise, no

Loneliness-wise, no

I was engaged at the beginning of this year, and now I am not only broken up with them, but I started having sex with another and hanging out with them in ways that in all intents and purposes, we're in a relationship . . . but I'm scared of that label, I'm scared of what that means with all the others . . . I don't want me talking with my ex being such an issue in a future relationship

 

I'm scared that I am going to be like what she sometimes tells me I can be

 

I'm scared that I have issues now and that I'm going to mess him up.

 

I'm scared that even me thinking of all this stuff is too much.

 

I'm scared. I know two people can be similar, I know that, but what if I am reading too much into this?

 

Where did he go that night? He was a million miles away, I know that. I got nervous, it was part of the reason I went to the bathroom. 

 

I don't want him to be a rebound, even if it is a bit late for that. 




I'm messed up now. I think things I didn't used to. Though I will gladly say that my mind doesn't always go the dirty places now, I had no idea that was so different . . . 

 

He's like a me, both like how I used to be, and how I want to be, and that scares me too, because what if I want to see that? What if . . . ? 

 

 

I am glad he doesn't always pay attention. At first I was like, "Oh no, what does it mean?" and then I remembered . . . my first boyfriend and I would each be doing something else as well when we were on the computer together, I would be playing solitaire or something and checking things, and so on. My second boyfriend paid attention too much . . . but then lost interest somewhere in there.

 

I know that we were not each other's type. Now, I know that. We made good friends, but not a good couple. Sure, we were happy, but it wasn't good for either of us. It should not have been the way it was. He shouldn't have had to imagine other people every time in order to get off, he shouldn't have had to change how he lived, if he wanted to live like that, he should be able to and find someone who is willing to do the same. I shouldn't have had to feel like I was his therepist, the only person who he could talk to or rely on, and he didn't really want to understand why I wanted to be on my own. To be fair, I don't mind being with this new one and even am starting to think about ways we could be together, so I know something is up

Maybe I just need a break from guys in general. 

Or life here.

 

I wish . . .

 

All I can do now is save up money in order to go somewhere sometime soon. Maybe that is what I should be trying to focus on? I dunno. 

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