I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about what a normal life is and if I want it. I'm scared that if I get too used to an easier life, a normal life, what will that mean for me. So much of my identity has been through this life, this land, this place . . . doing things a certain way

 
But also, that I found some psychology jobs locally and I am not sure of taking them because of two things - I don't believe I am prepared to help others in the way that they need help yet, but also that I wonder if . . . I got burned out, dealing with suicidal ideation and depression, and while I know there's lots of people out there that have lots of other kinds of issues that aren't those . . . I think . . . I don't want to work with those kinds of people because I dealt with that so much in my regular life . . . do I want to work with people with issues in my work life too? 
 
Being around their family and the way they live, being so different from the way we live. It's really hitting me, because this is the time in my life that I need to figure out how I want to live. Fix up the cabin, live up here, find an apartment, maybe some roommates, I don't know. 

I'm broke essentially, and I need out. But there is no way out, not without money, and I am scared that if I stay, find a job, I'll never leave. But on the other hand, I also think with such certainty that I am going to go somewhere, sometime this year. 
 
This morning, I watched the ceiling and thought of the past. T, what it was like with him. C and L and S, what it was like with them. I've changed so much, yet, I still recognize myself, my fears. 

A life where all it is is household chores like dishes and laundry and then sitting around watching movies and playing video games, waiting for the time so that you can go to work, and then after work, making food in the microwave and watching more movies and games, and waking up and doing it all over again. It has it's advantages. Ability to just go out and bike after chores, or go to the nearby lake, go out to the porch and grill some food, or walk into town and go to the diner. A normal life where you can back the car up and clean it up and vacuum it, where everything is organized and you know where things are, even have space for mementos and pictures and even fragile things, where you can go barefoot both inside and outside. 

But then I get home and it's . . . home. It's a uncomfortable bed that I don't even notice, it's lambs baaing in the basement, it's Dad making an extension cord on the counter. It's being able to actually talk and make noise without worrying about other occupants and neighbors and go anywhere outside without having to worry about being mugged or raped if you're alone. It's a great view outside my window and doing all the things that have become normal to me.
 
And I'm free.

In a relationship, or not, I am free to make my own decisions. Where I want to live, will be my choice, whenever it is I make that choice. And if I choose one and decide it's not for me, I have the ability to try over again with a different choice. I'm not letting anyone else influence those kinds of decisions. If I want to hang out with whoever, I get to go do that . . . I don't have to worry about coming home late and making others upset anymore, because I am trying to communicate more about where and when, but also because no one has a say on who I hang out with or what I do with them.
 
I am going to make something happen this year. Somehow. I will get up one morning and go somewhere. 
 
I have a choice. I have no money, but I will figure out a way beyond that. I have the choice to believe that I will continue to grow and change and become. I have the choice to believe that I can be better than I am, but that I am enough just as I am. I have the choice of how to live my life and who is in that life. 
 
I even have a choice about how to deal with things. How to finally listen instead of defend or avoid. How to realize that someone really is trying to reach me. How to realize that I am my own person now and I have a choice in how to deal with things, it's up to me to see it now. 
 
I have a choice.
 
Normal or not, I can make a choice. And maybe it'll be the wrong one, or maybe not, but I'll learn from it and grow. Sometimes you do have to just go for something and try it and if it doesn't work out, you try something else. 
 
4.14.17
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