I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about what a normal life is and if I want it. I'm scared that if I get too used to an easier life, a normal life, what will that mean for me. So much of my identity has been through this life, this land, this place . . . doing things a certain way
I'm broke essentially, and I need out. But there is no way out, not without money, and I am scared that if I stay, find a job, I'll never leave. But on the other hand, I also think with such certainty that I am going to go somewhere, sometime this year.
A life where all it is is household chores like dishes and laundry and then sitting around watching movies and playing video games, waiting for the time so that you can go to work, and then after work, making food in the microwave and watching more movies and games, and waking up and doing it all over again. It has it's advantages. Ability to just go out and bike after chores, or go to the nearby lake, go out to the porch and grill some food, or walk into town and go to the diner. A normal life where you can back the car up and clean it up and vacuum it, where everything is organized and you know where things are, even have space for mementos and pictures and even fragile things, where you can go barefoot both inside and outside.
But then I get home and it's . . . home. It's a uncomfortable bed that I don't even notice, it's lambs baaing in the basement, it's Dad making an extension cord on the counter. It's being able to actually talk and make noise without worrying about other occupants and neighbors and go anywhere outside without having to worry about being mugged or raped if you're alone. It's a great view outside my window and doing all the things that have become normal to me.
In a relationship, or not, I am free to make my own decisions. Where I want to live, will be my choice, whenever it is I make that choice. And if I choose one and decide it's not for me, I have the ability to try over again with a different choice. I'm not letting anyone else influence those kinds of decisions. If I want to hang out with whoever, I get to go do that . . . I don't have to worry about coming home late and making others upset anymore, because I am trying to communicate more about where and when, but also because no one has a say on who I hang out with or what I do with them.