There are times where I wonder if it all is just lonely people. We want physical relationships because we are lonely. There are times where I am beginning to think that maybe it's not logical, it's emotional, and I am scared. This is an easy way for your heart to get hurt. It's easy to protect yourself from things you don't know about - don't get involved and everything will float along like it has been. Is loneliness assauged by talking to people online? What is this need that drives so many? What scares me is what if I have that now too? What if my body has gotten used to those high points given by another to the point where now the oxytocin produced doesn't know where to go, what to attach itself to? What if he really is a lonely man who papers his words in logic and distorts the truth to make himself feel better about himself, just as we all do? Is his soul speaking to mine, or are we just fooling ourselves? 

In all honesty, I want a break from relationships. I don't want to deal with wonderings, or long, strained conversations, I don't want to meet and fuck, I just want to go back to the way it was before . . . but I don't think that's possible . . . am I going to be lonely after this? I was lonely before, but is going to be a physical and mental loneliness? (whereas it was mental before)

Are we all just fooling ourelves into thinking that love is something permenent and believing all those pretty words we use, "the one" and those songs? Is it really as fleeting as we think? I have more faith in friendships than romantic relationships, but my friendships are strange and I would be happy with just friendships I think, I thought . . . but what about now? Will I still be okay with friendships? And besides which, a close friend doesn't trust me, another is mad at me for something or other and likely won't trust me again after this. A friend from college I used to miss is living their own life (and I am glad for that) but I doubt I will ever see them again and somehow I am glad for that considering some of their behavior in the past towards me and a friend. Another friend moved to NH and I don't know if I will see them much either, sounds like they're really busy . . .

I guess my point is that things are different now. Relatiosnhips hadn't come between me and my friends. Life hadn't happened yet. 

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (0)